Hoarding Paper
I saw a meme today that said, I used to spin that toilet paper roll like I was on Wheel of Fortune; now I turn it like I am cracking a safe. Truer words were never spoken. When my daughter asks for the paper, I carefully hand her four single squares.
“Seriously, Mom? You can’t spare more? It’s not enough.”
“Make it count. Conservation is our salvation.” I don’t know when we’ll get more. She rolls her eyes in disgust and stomps off toward the bathroom. No longer do I ask if she is going number 1 or 2 as I’ve caught her lying just to get more. With a heavy sigh I relock the storage unit, the key of which hangs from a silver chain around my neck, the only jewelry I bother to wear these days.
When the virus hit, no one knew that people would hoard toilet paper like a doomsday prepper. Nor do we have much room for storage, though, for those little pieces of cottony mana, more valuable than gold these days, I’d find space, including the trunk of my car.
Last week, I was able to trade for some with a neighbor. It only cost me two cans of Chef Boyardee ravioli, a can of Spam, and three chocolate bars for a 4-pack. At least it was the 1000 sheet kind, and 2-ply to boot. The exchange was made at a predetermined hour and location. I left the supplies on his doorstep. Once I’d backed up to the curb (well over the six-foot minimum distance), he made the drop.
Since then, I’ve scoured the usual haunts, grocery stores, pharmacies, convenience stores, and the like. I even tried gas station mini-marts. Yesterday, eBay was selling toilet paper at $50 for a 4-pack, but the site was quickly shut down before I could make a purchase. Whether this was due to an ethics violation or they simply ran out, I’ll never know. Resorting to hotel lobby bathrooms and municipal buildings, I stole a few rolls. Not my proudest moment, and they’ve since wised up, I checked. I’ve even tried newsprint, finding a new way to “recycle” all the circulars regularly dumped on our doorstep. Though, this potential supply stream has dried up too.
Today I’ll venture forth and try a new market and time slot. With renewed hope, I suit up, face mask, gloves, and pepper spray in my pocket, ready to do battle on the quest for the Holy Grail, a case of Charmin Ultra. When I return from the hunt, I’ll find an online class on how to snare, skin, and sauté rabbit!
